Dark Side
by Slo Motion
Summary: They say everyone has a dark side, no matter how pure their heart may be. That includes Hotaru Tomoe.


**Title:** "Dark Side"

 **Date Penned:** November 2006. Ten years ago this month...holy cheese!

 **Main Character:** Hotaru Tomoe/Sailor Saturn

 **Universe:** Anime. Particularly there are scenes of Hotaru's flashbacks in episode 115 written in her POV.

 **Rating:** T, for references to death but mostly just to be on the safe side.

 **Genre:** Drama

 **Main POV:** Hotaru

 **Character Death:** There are references to the lab accident shown in Hotaru's flashback/dream in episode 120. The first flashback in the story takes place the morning after the accident.

 **Setting:** Season 3/Sailor Moon S, though it flashes back to various other years in Hotaru's life throughout the story. Starts at present time for S with Hotaru at age 12, then in flashbacks/past scenes her age goes in this order: 5, 8, and 11. Then the last scene takes her back to present time.

 **Disclaimer:** Sailor Moon is not mine and neither is any dialogue from the episode 115 scenes in this story. I take no credit for writing or translating that dialogue, I simply rewrote the scenes to be in Hotaru's POV.

 **Summary:** They say everyone has a dark side, no matter how pure their heart may be. That includes Hotaru Tomoe.

 **A/N:** Old, old story from 2006 and also the fourth (but second published, the other two will forever remain hidden away deep in my PC) Sailor Moon fanfic I've written. Be aware that this is a very old story that I wrote in high school so it might not be the most amazing thing out there. I hope someone somewhere out there finds some enjoyment in it, though.

(-)

Everyone has a dark side. No matter how kind they may be, darkness still looms below the surface. There is a negative energy inside of every human on Earth. Some people just mask it very, very well.

Even a sweet, kind girl like Hotaru Tomoe has darkness in her heart. But some of that darkness isn't natural at all...it's downright monstrous.

Hotaru is possessed by an awful being known as Mistress Nine, also known as the Messiah of Silence. Hotaru was gravely injured in a fire when she was only eight, close to the brink of death when her father made a deal with what could very well be the devil himself.

Unknown to her father, this creature put Mistress Nine into Hotaru's body. He thought he was saving his daughter from death. Little did he know, he had doomed himself and Hotaru to a life of being puppets of an evil force from another world.

Hotaru know lives with the unknown evil inside of her body. She has hint something's not right about her, but she has no idea how sinister the nature of her curse truly is...

(-)

The morning sun rose over Tokyo, Japan. Rays of golden sunlight greeted the dark streets. In one particular neighborhood of the Juban District, this light continued its path. It illuminated the mansion of the Tomoe family.

The mansion was owned by Professor Souichi Tomoe. Tomoe was a very rich, but very strange, scientist. Some might even say he was rather mad in his experiments and theories. He was also a recluse who kept mostly to himself since he had been laughed out of the scientific community years before. His increasingly dangerous and crazy experiments had caused a horrific accident that resulted in the death of his wife and the near death of his young daughter, Hotaru.

Tomoe had white hair a wore a pair of glasses that occasionally gave off an eerie glow, as if reflecting a sinister being that was hidden deep within this eccentric man. Besides being a scientist, he was also the founder of a school known as Mugen Academy. This particular school was very exclusive, with only truly gifted and brilliant students being permitted to attend. His own daughter went to school there.

Since his wife had died, Tomoe had remained a widower. He lives in his large home with only Hotaru and a rather strange assistant/housekeeper known only as Kaori.

Hotaru, now twelve, was a very frail and weak girl. She had been this way since the accident. She was constantly short of breath and falling into seizures that caused her to slip into unconsciousness. She would later wake from these fits remembering nothing.

Hotaru was considered very weird by her Mugen classmates. She possessed strange powers that could heal any cut or bruise, but the rumors said that there were even stronger and darker powers hidden below her surface. She was called creepy because of these powers that people claimed would actually hurting people and not helping them.

She was also called a bully by many classmates. Despite being a very weak and timid young girl, Hotaru was often accused of hurting other children and instigating fights. This hurt Hotaru deeply. She didn't know why people were saying such awful things about her. She never wanted to harm anyone. All she wanted was to desperately have friends.

Why would she being called a bully? Hotaru would never even harm a fly...

Hotaru walked out of the mansion's front door, on her way to school. She was dreading another day of isolation and taunting. But most of all, she was terrified that she might actually be hurting people during her strange fits of unconsciousness.

Maybe she really was the bully everyone called her. There were so many stories going around about her apparent cruelness that she herself was starting to the words of her peers.

 _I'm such a freak...no, I'm a monster. Everyone's right, I'm awful. What use does this world hold for a person like me? I just want to disappear forever,_ Hotaru thought as she resisted the urge to cry.

What was the point of wallowing in self pity? A monster should in no way feel bad herself, right?

Sighing deeply, Hotaru bottled up her sadness and tried to put on a stoic face.

She wanted to mask her self-hatred and loneliness and just blend in with the crowd so badly. She wanted to fit in, to be accepted and loved. She wanted friends. She wanted a father that would spend more time with her and not with his nasty assistant and oddball experiments.

But who cares what she wanted? She was worthless, after all. She just had to go on living her life wearing an uncaring mask. Everyone said she was cold hearted and mean, after all, so why not just give in and start acting the part?

 _Another day, another chance for me to screw something up_ , Hotaru thought sadly.

 _If only she know the truth..._

(-)

All I remembered was the darkness when I woke up on that day four years ago. I woke up in my bed, only eight-years-old, scared and cold on that frosty October morning.

"Papa..." I whispered in fear.

Last night, I felt as though something awful had happened. I felt like I no longer belonged to this world. I felt like there had been fire, destruction, and death. I felt like I had temporarily slipped away in the world of the dead.

But that couldn't be. After all, I was here now safe and sound. I had no cuts or scratches upon my body. If I had suffered the horrible trauma I felt in my heart I would surely be worse for the wear, right?

Then _what_ had happened to me to cause this sinking feeling of uneasiness in my stomach?

As I got up and stretched Papa's assistant, Kaori, came into my room. Her eyes were cold and cruel as they fixed upon me. A nasty smirked appeared upon her face.

"Hotaru, breakfast! Stop lazing about and get up NOW!" She snapped.

She then walked away as I got up out of my bed to go eat. As soon as stood on my feet, I fell onto the floor. All of a sudden, my chest ached and my head felt like someone was trying to force their way out of my skull. I started to breathe heavily as pain filled every inch of my body.

What was happening?! What was wrong with me all of a sudden?! Before I think of any kind of answer, I felt myself slip away into the darkness...

(-)

A year later, and the seizures and pain continued. Papa had decided against taking me to a doctor, despite my desperate pleas for him to do so. He insisted he could take care of me himself. But any of his so-called 'home remedies' only helped temporarily.

One particular day, I awoke from another seizure. As I I saw the sight before me, pain, shock, and confusion filled my heart.

My pet goldfish was lying on the floor in front of me, dead. Her bowl was smashed to pieces and there was large puddle of water around her. I felt tears fill my eyes as I mourned her. That was my beloved pet, the only trace of a friend I had ever had. I was alone again.

Why did she have to die? Who would do something so cruel and awful to an innocent creature?

As I cried, I shouted to air around me, "Who did this to my goldfish? Who?!"

A shadow towered over me and said, "Oh my, you're saying such strange things."

I looked up into the cold, blank eyes of Kaori as she glared down at me.

"This is something you did yourself. Hurry and clean it up!" She said coldly.

My eyes filled with horror as I gazed upon my pet's dead body. What Kaori had just burned a hole into my heart.

I'd never hurt this fish, I loved her. She was my pet, my best...no, my _only_ friend. Why would I ever hurt such a precious creature?!

"B-but I don't remember this! I didn't do it, I swear!" I said, my voice now coming out as an anguished scream.

Kaori simply continued to glare at me, giving no reply.

 _I didn't do it. I could never harm another living being._ I kept repeating those words in my mind, but they felt hollow. Why would Kaori lie about something so awful?

Maybe it was true. Maybe I really was a murderer. Maybe I really had killed my one and only friend in cold blood.

Maybe I truly was the monster I now felt like...

(-)

Two years later, I walked into my fifth grade class wearing a rare smile upon my face. I was actually feeling pretty good. I hadn't had a seizure since yesterday afternoon.

But what I was truly smiling about was the fact I had finally made a friend. His name was Kaoru and he had recently transferred to our class. Despite what the other kids said about me, he talked to me. He actually liked me. It felt amazing to have someone on my side for once.

"Good morning," I said cheerfully to my classmates.

They all glared at me, their eyes filled with fear and disgust. They were all gathered around Kaoru, who was seated at his desk. His head was cast downwards and had a bandage wrapped around it. I felt worry fill my senses

Despite the stares, I ran over to Kaoru. I placed my hand upon his.

"What's wrong, did you get hurt? Are you alright?" I asked him worriedly.

He swatted my hand away and jumped out of his seat. At that moment his face was revealed to me.

He was wearing the same look of hatred as everyone else.

I was so confused .What was going on all of a sudden? I know my classmates thought I was freak, but they had never actually glared at me with such hate. And why would Kaoru look at me that way? He was my friend.

"What's wrong?" I asked my classmates.

"She's the one who hurt him. It's so awful of her to ask what's wrong!" I heard one girl snap.

"I know! She's so scary! She tries to act all prim and proper, but the truth is she's nothing but a bully!" A boy said in reply.

Horror filled my heart upon hearing their words. I...hurt...Kaoru? I was a bully?

But, I'd never hurt him! He's my friend! Well, he used to be, at least. Pain filled my heart as I felt that oh so familiar feeling of hatred for myself consume me.

I turned and ran out of the classroom. I just wanted to get away before I hurt anyone else. I really was a monster...wasn't I?

(-)

I sat by Papa later that day and cried into his lap. His hand stroked my hair in reassurance.

"I...apparently hurt my friend. But I don't remember even doing it in the first place!" I cried, violently shaking my head.

Papa looked into my eyes. His glasses gave off an eerie glow as he continued to reassure me.

"It's all right, Hotaru. Calm down. You're not the bad one. You're not bad at all," He said gently.

"But, I'm not able to make any friends! It's like there's a different person hiding inside of me. Some kind of monster that's taking control of me and making me hurt the people I care about!" I said, my voice full of fear.

He didn't reply this time. He just continued to stroke my hair gently as I cried...

(-)

Later that night, I am lying restlessly in my bed. As I begin to toss and turn, I silently plead with myself to just fall asleep already.

But no matter how much I tried to force myself into slumber, my eyes just won't stay shut.

 _Please, please, just sleep. Please. I want to sleep and forget this whole day. I want to forget what a horrible monster I am. Please, just let me have this one moment of happiness in my miserable existence._

I plead frantically in my mind, but it's no use. Not even my own mind and body can cut me a break. I have no control over a single damn thing in my entire life.

I just want control of something. Any kind of control, no matter how miniscule, would be nice. I want to feel stable. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I can trust myself.

I want to feel normal. I just want to be a normal girl.

I don't want these weird powers. I don't want to constantly maintain this fight with my body anymore. I tire so much of feeling like if I stop fighting myself for even one second, that the monster I know is dwelling somewhere underneath the surface of my skin will break free and overtake me. I don't want it to hurt the few people that love.

I sigh. With my one friend gone now, I guess that's only Papa. One person cares for me out of billions in the world.

It's not their fault they don't love me. All this misfortune befalling me is my burden alone. This is what I get for not fighting harder to contain the monster. Even if I'm fighting all the time, I'm convinced it's not enough.

 _You're so useless. You can fight harder. If you just focus more on controlling yourself, maybe you could finally be normal. Maybe you could finally have friends. You're a stupid, useless little girl._

I am truly a stupid, useless little girl. I can't even keep control of my own actions. I can't even make myself seem normal.

I just want to be normal. Normality is all I desire.

Normal. Just be normal. Be normal.

 _Normal…_

(-) _  
_

There is only black around me. I'm in a void. I see and hear nothing.

Did it work? Did I finally get myself to fall asleep? I can't even tell.

I blink to assure myself my eyes are indeed open.

 _Blink, blink._

Yes, I am awake.

I pinch my arm, seeing if I feel any pain. Ouch. Ok, I'm definitely awake.

But where am I? What is this place? Why am I surrounded by nothingness? Why...

Before I can question myself any furtherer on my whereabouts, my eyes are unpleasantly greeted by a light. It's a bright, white, blinding light that encompasses the black. My vision is lost in the flash.

The light fades away. I look around me.

Oh God, I want the blackness back...

I say this because what I see horrifies me.

I'm in a city. While that may not sound too awful on its own, this city is different.

The buildings are wrecked, crumbling ruins. The people stand still, their bodies distorted with fear. Their eyes are filled with pure horror. The sky is tinted a deep, bloody red.

In the distance, I hear an awful rumbling. I do _not_ care to know the source of that sound.

Out of the corner of my eye, I think I see the same light. I turn around.

What I see shocks me...

The light is far way, but it is not the same. This light is faded and fills me with a feeling of grimness I can't even begin to describe. But, no, the light isn't the most shocking thing.

It's the _silhouette_ that shakes me to my very core...

The silhouette of the woman in the distance is totally cloaked in black despite being bathed in that eerie light. Her hair is long, flowing freely around her despite there being nn breeze. Her long, transparent dress does the same thing. In her hand is what looks like the Grim Reaper's scythe.

I shudder at the sight of that sharp blade as I imagine it cutting into my skin, a deep red liquid falling from my wounds and staining the ground.

Despite every bone in my body aching with fear and my heart pounding out of my chest, I find myself running towards her. Almost like they're under someone else's control, my feet are pulled towards this mysterious figure.

Despite me being in her line of sight, she doesn't notice me. It's like her gaze is fixed past me. It's as if I've become some kind of ghost, invisible to the naked eye.

Against my better judgment, I call out to her, "Who are you? What is this awful place? What is the cause of all this destruction and horror?"

She notices me now. Her eyes light up. They are glowing with a sickening purple glow. Her body lurches forward as she jumps right into my face. Her face is now directly in mine, allowing me a clear view of this strange woman.

Oh my God, no. Horror fills my body.

That is because her face is _my_ face. My mouth, my nose, and my eyes are all in her possession. My eyes are the ones glowing with that sick, evil purple glow. Those eyes...narrowed to slits, filled with venom.

 _My_ eyes...

"W-wh-who are you? Why do you look like me? What is this awful place?" I ask shakily.

Her face twists into a cruel smirk, "Why, Hotaru, isn't it obvious. I am _you_. The _real_ you, that is. That monster that you and I both know is dwelling under that stupid mask of kindness you insist on wearing."

Sickness fills my stomach at the sound of her voice. It's deep, and filled with a mixture and hatred and glee.

I am unable to speak. I can only shake as her words sting my ears.

She swings her arms around the scenery in a mocking display of joy, "And this lovely scenery...this is all on _you_. Well, all on _us_. We are one and the same, after all. This was all done by you. You destroyed the world. Isn't it beautiful?"

Shaking with horror, I find my voice, "No, no, no...NO! I didn't...I couldn't. I'd never do this. This isn't me!"

Her smirk grows wider, "Of course you did. Stop denying yourself. Embrace your darkness, Hotaru. Give in to the monster lurking inside of your dark heart. Set me free...set _us_ free."

My body falls limply to the ground as she begins laughing evilly. My body shakes with even more force.

I pound my fists onto the ground in a fit of terror and rage, "No, no! This isn't me! I'm not like this! I can fight harder! I won't let the monster win! I'll fight it!"

Tears fall from my eyes as I lift my head up. Her face is still directly in mine, and still twisted into that awful smirk.

"You and I both know you can't fight much longer. You are a monster and you will destroy the world. You can't deny that fact no matter how you try. We are the same. Just give in now, it's more fun that way," She says as her smrik turns into a large, toothy grin.

I shut my eyes, wanting to rid my eyes of her awful, tauting face. I pound my fists harder on the floor. I try with all my might to make the feelings of fight within my heart stronger than ever before.

Sobbing uncontrollably now, I shout, "Never, never, never! I'll never turn into you!"

Her laughter fills my ears. I still refuse to look into those eyes again. I just continue to scream my lungs out.

"Never, never, never..." I yell out those words over and over, turning it into my mantra.

I will never become that _thing_. I might be a monster, but I must contain it. I can't ever let her out. I must keep fighting. I must never give in. I will _never_ become her.

 _Never, never, never..._

(-)

I shoot up from my pillow, drenched in sweat and tears.

" _Never_ ," I whisper to myself.

That was not a dream. It was too real. It was a warning. I must keep fighting. If I lose control for even a minute, _she_ will come forth.

Even if I am the same as that creature, I must never let her win. She will not overtake me. She will not break me. I will not turn into her.

I will absolutely _not._ I refuse. I will be stronger. I will win.

Even if I'm useless, even if I'm stupid, even in my wife has no worth...I now know I must live on. I must fight her, whoever she may be. Even if she truly is me, I will still not let her have her way.

Something within me has been awakened. It isn't her. I can tell. This presence still feels dangerous...but somehow noble. Uncontrollable, yes, but it's the complete opposite of her. I can't quite explain it, but somehow, I trust this new self.

My heart fills with determination. My life will have a purpose. It will not be for me, but for the sake of this world.

Even if this world has rejected me, I still love it. There's so much beauty on this planet. I will _never_ let her dirty hands taint it.

" _I will fight the silence_ ," I whisper to myself.

I'm not sure why I just said that or what it could mean, but I feel suddenly strongly about those words. Every part of me is agreeing to that statement at this very moment.

Yes, I will fight this. I will live on. I will contain this monster. I never stop fighting. I am a rock. I will not move or be cracked. I will fight

 _Fight, fight, fight_...my mind is locked in a determined chant.

I will fight all the time. Fight. I will never let this so-called fate happen. I will stop it, no matter what the cost may be to me personally.

With all I believe in, I will fight. With all the might I have in my weak body, I will fight. With all the strength I feel in my heart, I will fight. This fate will not prevail.

 _But you can only fight fate for so long..._


End file.
